Hot Vax Summer
Maybe you’ve already heard of this “Hot Vax Summer” and decided you’d rather not go from zero to poolside threesome in 60 seconds. TOUGH LUCK, MAGGOT. Hot Vax Summer isn’t optional. Hot Vax Summer is the summer of 2021. So you better rub a layer of lube over that sunscreen because you WILL dive headfirst in some strange or Hot Vax Summer WILL track you down and come to where you live.
Jacob Bentzinger, Unsplash
Because we’re allowed to do that again.
For the unlubed: what is Hot Vax Summer actually? Coined by Inverse Magazine, it’s the battle cry of the seriously under-sexed. Instead of slowly easing back into normal, most of the world’s non-monogamous population has decided to shake the Wuhan bats out of their sex caves and try to stuff a year’s worth of human isolation into a season of non-stop sex with the same manic desperation they’ll be stuffing their Covid 15 into booty shorts. If you’re feeling nostalgic for official guidelines, just think of Hot Vax Summer as the exact opposite of social distancing: engage in physical contact at every given opportunity, the only dick nosing that’s allowed is when your swimming trunks slip off in the hot tub and under no circumstances should you be fewer than five inches inside of another person.
Jakob Owens, Unsplash
Disinfecting yourself after every interaction is still strongly recommended, though.
And you should really know what Hot Vax Summer is about because you’re already in it, with HVS niches having spawned for every single subgroup of our species. There’s Shot Girl Summer, which has evolved from Hot Girl Summer 2.0 to young women having to obsess about which brand of vaccine TikTok currently deems to be “for hot girls.” For the fellas, unfortunately, there’s White Boy Summer, the Lesser Hanks-fronted movement that wants to inspire the pastiest of summer bods to ditch the boat shoes and jaeger bombs to be more like Chet Hanks, i.e., appropriate minority culture in a desperate bid to look less like the starting guy in every character creation screen.
But let me repeat: nobody in your household is exempt from their version of Hot Vax Summer. More mature women are now shackled to Hot Mom Summer, which they’ll wish was about getting the vapors and not about looking for the hottest mom-bikini to wear while queuing at the beach’s only changing station. Meanwhile, Will Smith has kicked off Hot Dad Bod Summer, forcing middle-aged men to tighten up those pandemic pouches out of fear of being checked out by a Shot Girl at the waterslides. The media has even announced the advent of Hot Dog Summer, where pooches are riding out to fetch a whole other kind of bone-- actually, upon closer inspection, it’s an impassioned plea to save dogs in hot cars during the summer months. My bad.
While not even the most sun-averse social scenes are safe (hot ghoul summer, bitches!), neither are the people who prudently decided to hold off dumping out all of their vacation days like a shot girl dumping out her purse looking for a loose pill. Working during Hot Vax Summer is going to be a hot mess for everyone, but particularly our post-Covid essential workers: those who help get our fuck on. There are the poor beauticians who’ll be spending a Hot Wax Summer clearing more overgrown bush than a California wildfire. Meanwhile, retail workers will either have to suffer through a Hot Rubber Summer endlessly restocking empty condom aisles or a Hot Topic Summer breaking up fights between shoppers trying to kill each other over the last $350 “vaccine ready” shoulderless top. Ever Silicon Valley is bracing for a horny flood thanks to Hot Sextech Summer, an expected boom in adult startups trying to corner the rising market of sex paraphernalia.
Everyone else who thought they could mosey back to their air-conditioned offices is still staring down the red-hot barrel of Hot Overtime Summer as Hot Vax Summer will leave just about every industry incredibly understaffed during the holidays. In fact, the real star of this summer will not be the overabundance of boning but the underabundance of just about everything else. That’s right, better brace yourself for Hot Vax Shortage. Between scarcity due to the pandemic pinching supply pipelines and people panic buying solo cups like it’s toilet paper, summer fun is already running short.
A mass shortage of chlorine means those pool parties will get filthier in more ways than one. Between the lack of hot dogs, chicken, corn, and Heineken, BBQs will only have the other kind of meat on the menu. And the looming gas crisis means those raunchy road trips to get some tail will cost an arm and a leg. Not that you’ll be doing much holiday hooking up even if you get there; AirBnB has instituted a No Vac(acancy) Summer, barring any one-night rentals to non-elite members. But booze and condom supplies are holding strong, so if anything, this bleak outlook will only increase Hot Vax Summer’s find-a-dark-corner desperation. Better start picking yours then.